'If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you'

I try not to think to hard. Especially around Father's Day.
When I think to hard I not only confuse myself with my own opinions and beliefs, but my thoughts tend to turn negative.

I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm a selfish blogger. I use it when I need to sort out my thoughts. I would journal, but I kind of like the idea that someone will read this.

About a week ago I met someone who had known my Dad. She mentioned that she was friends with the man who 'held my father as he took his last breath'. This statement caught me completely off gaurd...I thought I was okay with talking about death...I guess not. I know that it has been 16 years since his passing, and maybe this means that I should be 'over it' it some way. I just don't feel like that- I mean, don't get me wrong- I don't think people should tip toe around me or anything...but I don't think I need to be 'over it'. Ever.

The way I see it is that everyday brings us new experiences, new happiness, new sorrows. All these new things brings me a new opportunity and a new way to miss all the special people in my life who are not here.

While I consider myself religious and have a personal relationship with God, it is sometimes hard for me to find comfort in knowing that these people are in a better place. How could any place be better than the place where we are all together?  They must miss me as much as I miss all of them. Which brings me back to my negative thinking and my questioning. How is there heaven if my Dad can't be with his kids? I believe he is in heaven, but I don't think it's everything he had hoped- That makes me sad.

My sister phoned me yesterday. She was upset because she received some documents with details of the accident. It got me thinking about my Dad's legacy. While my family remembers his life and what a great person and father he was- I wonder if to others, if his death was a bigger event than his life. Is he Bruce, the guy that died in a snowmobile accident? That is more disturbing to me than I would have thought. Also, do I care too much about what other's think? I know he was a good man, and in his short life he accomplished more than a lot of men do in their long lives. I'm secure in knowing that- then my mind wanders and I wonder, what could he have done with another 36 years?

I have to turn my thinking around.

Here's what I REALLY think...

I am generally happy with my life. I am the way I am- and where I am at today because of the good -AND- bad experiences that I have gone through. I am a better friend, sibling, daughter, and wife because of them. I embrace them and I do not feel sorry for myself.

My dad was a cool dude. He'd shake your hand and say- 'put 'er in the vice', he'd offer you a 'knuckle sandwich' if you complained about hunger and he'd say 'hang loose' instead of goodbye and he wouldn't mind if people remembered him for the manner of his death- but I'm sure he's happy that I remember his life more than how it ended.

I don't try to pretend I know what he might say, he wasn't predictable that way. I do find comfort knowing that he'd be here with us if he could.

Treasure yours this Father's Day.