3 Monthiversary

Yesterday marked 3 months since my last visit to the doctor. And how does one celebrate such an occasion? By going to the doctor, of course!
I had my follow up appointment scheduled a few weeks ago when I was feeling on the baby making bandwagon again. I have so many questions between my last appointment and now that I had questions on. What will happen if I get pregnant again? Will I get pregnant again? What can I do to make it 'stick' this time?
We went over how I have been feeling the last few months and honestly, I am feeling much better physically and emotionally. I am glad I gave myself time to heal in between but I also can't help but feel a little sense of urgency to conceive with yet another birthday looming. My problem now with conceiving is that a cycle for me is now anywhere from 4-6 weeks (which would be awesome in any other circumstance). My doctor talked to me about the few things that could be causing that and ordered up some blood work. I have a family history on hypothyroidism in my mom, and my sister was recently diagnosed. This was something that the doctor was concerned about.
Rightfully so because as it turns out I have it too.
That explains a few things. I'm bummed to have this along with my female relatives, but I'm also relieved that it is something that I can control and might possibly help with successfully becoming pregnant.
I haven't done a ton of research on it...mostly I'm starting to hate googling medical problems, the Internet is full of hypochondriacs and worst case scenarios. I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time. :)

EDZ

Buns in the oven.

Blinking cursor.

Where to start?

It's November now and we've missed a lot on here. Currently, I am gearing up for winter, for the holidays and for baby nephew CWG.
I am super excited to get together next weekend with the Z Ladies (while the men are out hunting) for a baby shower. I am co-hosting with my Step MIL and I am in charge of the games. I might have too much planned because I can't control myself. Here's whats on the agenda!

Baby Shower Price is Right!
Family Feud: Baby Shower Edition
Never Have I Ever: If you have, you put a coin in the penny bank, the first to throw in 10 is the most motherly and wins! The bank is CWG's first penny bank.
Celebrity Baby Photo Match-Up - I found photos of celebrities when they were babies andyou match up the celeb to the photo...I think this will be fun!
Can you guess these celeb baby faces?

I made these cute prizes!

 

I am genuinely excited for this. And in all honesty it's been a long road for me to get here. My absence from the blogging world has been intentional. I've been in a pretty dark and lonely place the last few months. I feel like it's okay for me to write about it now because I have accepted the situation and have begun to move on from it.

 

It all started in June with this:

We were thrilled to find out we were expecting after 6 months of trying. We were both so excited everything felt perfect. Looking back I knew something was wrong with this pregnancy almost immediately. The bleeding began at 5 weeks and even though that made me nervous my anxiety subsided after a call to the clinic, perfectly normal they said. But it didn't stop. It didn't get better it got worse. I geared up for what I knew it was coming. The ultrasound tech didn't even know why I was there and I could see what she saw...nothing. Looking at an empty ultrasound was like a visual representation of what I was feeling. Empty. The call the next morning only confirmed what I already knew.

Miscarriage.

NPZ was amazing through it all. We knew we needed to grieve and move on. He brought me flowers, dinner, let me cry at the drop of a dime. Medically, I was to visit the lab every other day to make sure my miscarriage was progressing naturally...which it did. I went in on Thursday after work got my blood draw, went home and prayed my number would be 4 (a negative pregnancy test). The next morning I received a call too early for good news. Come in right away, your numbers went up.

What?!

I was not expecting that and I didn't know what it meant. A small non-logical part of me was hoping that maybe they were wrong and my pregnancy was fine. I know I know- there was nothing on my ultrasound. They never once said your numbers might go up? How am I more pregnant than I was yesterday when Im having a miscarriage?

Ectopic Pregnancy. This is when your fertilized egg does not travel to your uterus.Kind of like having a bun in the wrong oven. Mine was near my ovary. The problem with this is that the embryo continues to grow, even though there is not enough space for it. This can result in internal life threatening bleeding. I went from grief to fear in a split second. I opted for methotrexate treatment. This drug is typically used as a chemo therapy treatment but is given in small doses to break up the tissue of an ectopic pregnancy.

It was a long and emotional journey to my negative pregnancy test. I wanted so bad for it to be over. It tested the strength of both my husband and me. It ultimately made us stronger. I ended up in the hospital at one point during this process, which sounds horrible, and it was- but my husband was truly amazing. I called him to tell him that's where I would be. The fear in his voice and the shear determination to get to me as soon an possible was a kind of love I have never experienced. He takes care of me and I love him more than I did before. (Is that possible?)

 

So now, here we are trying again. Sometimes it's sad...Nick had to move this little bassinet that we had gotten to the guest room and so it sits....



 

Waiting for the day when we can bring our little one home.

I worry about everything now, and I wish that I didn't. I still get jealous when people announce their pregnancies, which I am ashamed of. I still blame myself, my faulty body, my years of birth control use, smoking, drinking, eating poorly, etc. Logically I know there was nothing I could have done or not done to prevent this...but I still have all these embarrassing feelings. I have learned not to suppress them but to just entertain them so that I can move on.

 

I know that it will happen for us, and when it does, I know it will be perfect. I have to hope.





'If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you'

I try not to think to hard. Especially around Father's Day.
When I think to hard I not only confuse myself with my own opinions and beliefs, but my thoughts tend to turn negative.

I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm a selfish blogger. I use it when I need to sort out my thoughts. I would journal, but I kind of like the idea that someone will read this.

About a week ago I met someone who had known my Dad. She mentioned that she was friends with the man who 'held my father as he took his last breath'. This statement caught me completely off gaurd...I thought I was okay with talking about death...I guess not. I know that it has been 16 years since his passing, and maybe this means that I should be 'over it' it some way. I just don't feel like that- I mean, don't get me wrong- I don't think people should tip toe around me or anything...but I don't think I need to be 'over it'. Ever.

The way I see it is that everyday brings us new experiences, new happiness, new sorrows. All these new things brings me a new opportunity and a new way to miss all the special people in my life who are not here.

While I consider myself religious and have a personal relationship with God, it is sometimes hard for me to find comfort in knowing that these people are in a better place. How could any place be better than the place where we are all together?  They must miss me as much as I miss all of them. Which brings me back to my negative thinking and my questioning. How is there heaven if my Dad can't be with his kids? I believe he is in heaven, but I don't think it's everything he had hoped- That makes me sad.

My sister phoned me yesterday. She was upset because she received some documents with details of the accident. It got me thinking about my Dad's legacy. While my family remembers his life and what a great person and father he was- I wonder if to others, if his death was a bigger event than his life. Is he Bruce, the guy that died in a snowmobile accident? That is more disturbing to me than I would have thought. Also, do I care too much about what other's think? I know he was a good man, and in his short life he accomplished more than a lot of men do in their long lives. I'm secure in knowing that- then my mind wanders and I wonder, what could he have done with another 36 years?

I have to turn my thinking around.

Here's what I REALLY think...

I am generally happy with my life. I am the way I am- and where I am at today because of the good -AND- bad experiences that I have gone through. I am a better friend, sibling, daughter, and wife because of them. I embrace them and I do not feel sorry for myself.

My dad was a cool dude. He'd shake your hand and say- 'put 'er in the vice', he'd offer you a 'knuckle sandwich' if you complained about hunger and he'd say 'hang loose' instead of goodbye and he wouldn't mind if people remembered him for the manner of his death- but I'm sure he's happy that I remember his life more than how it ended.

I don't try to pretend I know what he might say, he wasn't predictable that way. I do find comfort knowing that he'd be here with us if he could.

Treasure yours this Father's Day.

5...4...3...2...1...

2011 brought us many changes this year...Here are some of the many things that were flashing through my mind as the 10 second countdown to 2012 began...

Miss Molly has gone from tiny

...to 'Smalls'

We welcomed a new sister and a new step father into our family

We were reminded of the importance of cherishing our loved ones, a value that is only strengthened by loss of someone so near and dear to you.

NPZ and I ventured out of the great state of MN for a trip to the windy city and PHX - and only lost our baggage once.

(Thanks for the T-shirt Delta)

We learned that when people say, 'Its the little things in life that bring you the most joy' they really meant the little people. This year we had constant reminders of what life is really all about.

It really is the simple things in life that bring us the most happiness.

And while our wedding was probably the biggest production we had going on this year, the best part of that was the marriage- and we get to keep that forever.

I resolve, this new year, that I will appreciate all the life throws my way.

-Liz