Buns in the oven.

Blinking cursor.

Where to start?

It's November now and we've missed a lot on here. Currently, I am gearing up for winter, for the holidays and for baby nephew CWG.
I am super excited to get together next weekend with the Z Ladies (while the men are out hunting) for a baby shower. I am co-hosting with my Step MIL and I am in charge of the games. I might have too much planned because I can't control myself. Here's whats on the agenda!

Baby Shower Price is Right!
Family Feud: Baby Shower Edition
Never Have I Ever: If you have, you put a coin in the penny bank, the first to throw in 10 is the most motherly and wins! The bank is CWG's first penny bank.
Celebrity Baby Photo Match-Up - I found photos of celebrities when they were babies andyou match up the celeb to the photo...I think this will be fun!
Can you guess these celeb baby faces?

I made these cute prizes!

 

I am genuinely excited for this. And in all honesty it's been a long road for me to get here. My absence from the blogging world has been intentional. I've been in a pretty dark and lonely place the last few months. I feel like it's okay for me to write about it now because I have accepted the situation and have begun to move on from it.

 

It all started in June with this:

We were thrilled to find out we were expecting after 6 months of trying. We were both so excited everything felt perfect. Looking back I knew something was wrong with this pregnancy almost immediately. The bleeding began at 5 weeks and even though that made me nervous my anxiety subsided after a call to the clinic, perfectly normal they said. But it didn't stop. It didn't get better it got worse. I geared up for what I knew it was coming. The ultrasound tech didn't even know why I was there and I could see what she saw...nothing. Looking at an empty ultrasound was like a visual representation of what I was feeling. Empty. The call the next morning only confirmed what I already knew.

Miscarriage.

NPZ was amazing through it all. We knew we needed to grieve and move on. He brought me flowers, dinner, let me cry at the drop of a dime. Medically, I was to visit the lab every other day to make sure my miscarriage was progressing naturally...which it did. I went in on Thursday after work got my blood draw, went home and prayed my number would be 4 (a negative pregnancy test). The next morning I received a call too early for good news. Come in right away, your numbers went up.

What?!

I was not expecting that and I didn't know what it meant. A small non-logical part of me was hoping that maybe they were wrong and my pregnancy was fine. I know I know- there was nothing on my ultrasound. They never once said your numbers might go up? How am I more pregnant than I was yesterday when Im having a miscarriage?

Ectopic Pregnancy. This is when your fertilized egg does not travel to your uterus.Kind of like having a bun in the wrong oven. Mine was near my ovary. The problem with this is that the embryo continues to grow, even though there is not enough space for it. This can result in internal life threatening bleeding. I went from grief to fear in a split second. I opted for methotrexate treatment. This drug is typically used as a chemo therapy treatment but is given in small doses to break up the tissue of an ectopic pregnancy.

It was a long and emotional journey to my negative pregnancy test. I wanted so bad for it to be over. It tested the strength of both my husband and me. It ultimately made us stronger. I ended up in the hospital at one point during this process, which sounds horrible, and it was- but my husband was truly amazing. I called him to tell him that's where I would be. The fear in his voice and the shear determination to get to me as soon an possible was a kind of love I have never experienced. He takes care of me and I love him more than I did before. (Is that possible?)

 

So now, here we are trying again. Sometimes it's sad...Nick had to move this little bassinet that we had gotten to the guest room and so it sits....



 

Waiting for the day when we can bring our little one home.

I worry about everything now, and I wish that I didn't. I still get jealous when people announce their pregnancies, which I am ashamed of. I still blame myself, my faulty body, my years of birth control use, smoking, drinking, eating poorly, etc. Logically I know there was nothing I could have done or not done to prevent this...but I still have all these embarrassing feelings. I have learned not to suppress them but to just entertain them so that I can move on.

 

I know that it will happen for us, and when it does, I know it will be perfect. I have to hope.